


To Love You The Only Way That I Can Be

by lovinniel



Series: A Study In Science [2]
Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Canon Universe, Fluff, Hugs, Light Angst, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 10:37:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19828399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovinniel/pseuds/lovinniel
Summary: It was July 2019.Ong Seongwoo saw something on the internet.One that lit the fires of his memories.





	To Love You The Only Way That I Can Be

It was July 2019. Early in the morning.

Ong Seongwoo sat alone on his couch in the living room, staring blankly on his brightly lit phone screen. His mind was void as if in a daze. He wasn’t like that the moment he got out of bed; in fact he was quite enthusiastic, literally jumped out of it, which was way out of his character. Seongwoo’s mood had been in an upward trend lately; he refused admitting that in front of his friends though, prideful little creature that he was, but most who had interacted with Seongwoo the past few days knew it all. Yet only a handful few would firmly understood the reasons behind the change of behaviors.

But the current Seongwoo had returned to his usual brooding self. All those nervous energy that knocked him out of his slumber had dissipated, leaving him an empty shell.

\---

Seongwoo woke up early, on a day he didn’t have any schedule. His legs brought him to the kitchen, longing for some caffeine; his fingers moved to do his morning ritual of checking his phone and replying unread messages; but his mind, it had departed into the future. That was until he saw something on the SNS. A picture.

_How on earth could it get captured?_

He should be angry at the blatant intrusion of privacy. _And yet he wasn’t._

He should be worried at the destructive possibilities. _And yet he wasn’t._

The picture he saw unleashed a surge of melancholy, which together with the robust aroma of freshly brewed Sumateran coffee, drowned him in the stream of memories. The memories of their hugs.

The memories of Ong Seongwoo’s hugs.

Which he shared with Kang Daniel.

\---

“Congratulations, hyung! You did it! We’ll debut together!”

_We’ll be together!_

The last sentence was left unsaid, but they heard it anyway, through their hug. It wasn’t their first, but it was the first they ever shared with the public eyes.

They never meant for it to happen. Such a display of intimacy could be the very thing destroying their careers. Their society wasn’t known for being the most tolerant for what they considered deviations.

And yet they did it. In front of millions pairs of eyes they hugged. Enraptured by the coming togetherness, they locked each other in the tightest grip they had ever done, saying things they couldn’t utter.

Then came the fear and anxiety.

_What if the public disapprove such an act between two males?_

It was a hug! Idols had done it from times immemorial!

_What if the public didn’t dismiss it as a usual brotherly act and started a scandal?_

What proof did they have? A hug? You’re overthinking, Seongwoo hyung.

_But Niel-ah-_

Kang Daniel ended the argument with a hug, and Seongwoo let his worries consumed by the warmth and affection the younger provide.

\---

Ong Seongwoo loved Kang Daniel.

That much Seongwoo knew. He realized it from the moment he first met the younger. He felt it stronger every time they spent together. He wanted to say it, to declare it, to confess the truth to the younger.

But the fear he had overwhelmed him every time he considered professing his love. He was afraid that the entire connection they had built over the years would crumble the moment Seongwoo revealed his true feelings.

It wasn’t that Seongwoo didn’t trust the bond he shared with Daniel. Nor did Seongwoo doubt the feelings Daniel had for him. On the contrary, Seongwoo was mostly sure that Daniel reciprocated his feelings and would say yes had Seongwoo ever have the gut to tell him he loved him. But ‘mostly’ meant that there was a chance, albeit teeny and tiny, that things would go unexpectedly awry.

Seongwoo didn’t want that. He didn’t want to lose Daniel just for the deliriously sweet fantasy of having the other as a lover.

So began their dance.

Years and months passed by as they spent time together in the group. All the while they took liberties in their fans acceptance of their public display of affection. It wasn’t that they had to do it in front of others – they’re not exhibitionists. But perhaps it had something to do with the very joy in expressing their clandestine affairs. Deprived of their chance in having an actual relationship, they fiercely made do with what they were provided, dropping hints and signs for those who were either smart or twisted enough to deduce.

Their moves got increasingly bold, as they treaded the fine lines between brothers and lovers, indulging themselves in things ordinary people would consider nigh inappropriate. On stage they stole glances and traded nudges, behind the curtain they looked each other in the eyes and exchanged deep embrace. Each day they carried their shrouded feelings with more fervor as they both understood the painful universal truth: time spares no one. And it brought to them the inevitable.

\---

Seongwoo blinked and he felt warm wetness dropped from the corner of his eyes. He wiped his tears, but it didn’t seem to stop any time soon.

_Fitting._ Seongwoo thought as he returned his roaming thought to the picture still displayed on his blotted phone screen. _I cried that time too._ We _cried._

\---

It was the day of their final concert.

They had tearful goodbyes on the stage, uttering their gratitude to the fans before leaving one by one accompanied with thousands of wailings.

They had tearful goodbyes backstage, hugging each other tightly as they captured the last moment of their assemble. But Seongwoo evaded Daniel.

He couldn’t do it. He wasn’t ready.

Seongwoo caught from the corner of his eye that Daniel walked towards him, but he spared the younger no chance at words. Abruptly he went amongst the grieving crowd, obscuring himself from the younger’s view.

After the commotion went out the group were escorted to the bus to have a dinner. Seongwoo immediately jumped on the bus and sat on the corner, pulling Minhyun to sit beside him. His pan was foiled, however, because without his approval Minhyun got up from his seat and was replaced with another male which broad shoulder ate up spaces.

Daniel didn’t say any words. He lobbed a hefty bag atop their lap, earning gasp from Seongwoo, but before the older could complain, Daniel had snaked his fingers to Seongwoo’s and interlaced them together.

Seongwoo tensed and started to withdraw his hand, but Daniel kept it sealed tight. He turned his head to finally look at the younger and the sight that met him wrenched his heart. Tears dripped on the younger’s cheek as the younger ever so slightly trembled on his seat, suppressing his breakdown. Seongwoo abandoned all attempt to escape, and instead tightened his grip on Daniel’s hand; his thumb grazed the younger in an assuring manner as he looked away to the window and started crying silently.

The dinner was tasteless. Seongwoo was more concerned and threatened by the ticking of the clock, who numbered his time with Daniel to mere hours. The other members started to get up and again said goodbye to each other and the staff, the rigid peace that took during the meal quickly spiraled down to mournful weeping.

And then Seongwoo felt it, someone pulling his elbow.

Seongwoo saw the person stared at him sheepishly; eyes puffy like having a bad shrimp.

Slowly the younger male pulled Seongwoo to a hug. Seongwoo froze, he didn’t know what to say; he didn’t want to say what he knew he should say.

Soon Daniel broke the hug and he looked at Seongwoo with the same sad look he sported.

“Thank you, hyung. I enjoy my time with you.”

The shrill sincerity in the voice struck Seongwoo. He was about to witness the love of his life walked away. Without saying goodbye.

Daniel only managed to get a step before he Seongwoo pulled him into a hug with all his might, startling the younger. The bewilderment didn’t last long, however, as the younger soon returned Seongwoo’s hug with comparable zeal.

This was the way they communicate.

Seongwoo reeled the younger deeper into embrace as he tried to say things he couldn’t say, hoping it would be transmitted through the only method of intimacy they could rightfully have.

_I love you, Kang Daniel._

He shuddered when he uttered the words in his mind, and ended up hugging the younger even tighter, his hand fell on Daniels head.

To his surprise, Daniel tightened his embrace, as if saying the very words Seongwoo yearned to hear.

_I love you too, Ong Seongwoo._

Seongwoo cried at the thought.

He despised their short contract that tore them apart, though it was the very thing that brought them together in the first place. He loathed the society that chased their chance at being together, though it was the very thing that brought up Ong Seongwoo and Kang Daniel in the first place.

They stayed in their embrace for a long time. Seongwoo didn’t feel afraid of being seen. In fact, for a short moment Seongwoo would like the world to know what they were, though they never were.

Most importantly, cried within as he thought, he wanted Daniel to know that he loved him, the only way that he could be.

_That Ong Seongwoo loves Kang Daniel, the only way that he can be._

\---

Seongwoo woke up from his trance for the countless time that morning, but this time something else, a noise, awoke him. He stumbled as he got up and hurried to the source of his alarm. The knocking on the door died down as the person heard Seongwoo’s muffled steps. Seongwoo opened the door with vigor and was met with a lumbering person, a bouquet of forget-me-not in his hand.

“Sorry, hyung. I know I promised we’ll hang around today, but I can’t stay for long. I need to get back to my practice-”

But Seongwoo didn’t let the other finish because he stepped out of the door and pulled the younger into a hug, right there on the corridor. He took in the soft peachy fragrance of the younger’s favorite shampoo, as he heard the younger whispered the same words that Seongwoo heard months ago amidst their hug.

“I’ve told you I’ll always find my way back to you.”

Seongwoo wrapped his arms tight around Daniel; he didn’t say any words because the embrace spoke louder than any words could ever do.

_I love you, Kang Daniel, the only way that I can be._

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. This work is inspired by the you-know-what that's been out on SNS recently.  
> Obviously doesn't reflect reality at all as this is a work of fantasy.
> 
> 2\. Part of the inspiration for this story is the song 'Remember Me' from Disney's Coco. I think credits should be given accordingly.
> 
> 3\. While you're at it, please check my other work, The Love Who Dares Not to Speak Its Name, to which this work kinda serves as a prequel.
> 
> Thank you for your support!  
> Please kindly leave your thoughts!


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